Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
You Might Also Like
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”