Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb