Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

A wise man once said nothing.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?