Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.