Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Cinema or bowling