Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

won’t smith

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.