Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Alexa: *deep breath*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.