Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

True statement👍😏😁

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

#oldknees

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.