Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Bond. Trauma bond.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.