Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

when you are just born a rebel

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

I hate my earbuds.