Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You Might Also Like
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.