Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
making my dog give me my pills
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
RT if you could go either way.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard