Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You Might Also Like
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me irl
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Noah
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force