Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Tier 3 meme
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…