Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me