Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this