Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

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*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..


*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
*goes to kitchen*


Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time


me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok


If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.


Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy


If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.


When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.


My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.