Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.