Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Betty White is so tough that the Coronavirus is social distancing from her.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!