@djr_102

Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.

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@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@UnFitz

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

@Brampersandon_

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

@TheToddWilliams

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.