Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.

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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers


Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.


If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.


SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.


This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies


Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.


Longest English word:



Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.