@djr_102

Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.

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@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@UnFitz

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@HeyoShellz

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@3sunzzz

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

@realHamOnWry

Betty White is so tough that the Coronavirus is social distancing from her.

@GlennyRodge

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!