It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?