Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

technique

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]