Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road