Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.