Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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You sure about that?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.