Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.