Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I’m sure it’s fine.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Y’all know who you are.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here