Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
i dont have time for this
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick