Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My last name is Zilla.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP