Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
where the womens at?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Oh deer
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”