Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.