Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Go gym
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
#parenting
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then