Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Ummm 😳
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