Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
wow he looks just like him
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do