Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
good morning
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.