Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’