Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Dear Lord..
