Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
True
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
i just found this in my phone
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway