Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!