spicy snake
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.