spicy snake
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book