spicy snake
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
That was easy.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff