Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Chemical wingman

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.