Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
i’m so sick of this guy
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.