Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.