Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together