Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
You Might Also Like
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.