Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain