Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered