Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Me irl

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week