Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?