Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.