Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”