Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

do what now??

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color