Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I found your tweet-up…

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

you have three unread messages

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow