Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work