SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me trying to walk in a dream
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
This is not me but this is me
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
There is no try. There is only give up.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.