Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…