It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
LOL
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*