Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns