*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
You Might Also Like
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
weddings should have a worst man
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine