*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”