Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

When they try to steal your moment.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

😬

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.