Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Admin smashed it 😂

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

#math

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.