Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

#ParentingFacts

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.