*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
peeping toms
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.