Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Got a light

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.