*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.