Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.