Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.