Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.