Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

We have a winner.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!