[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Oh deer
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?