Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

that colleague who touches your screen

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.