Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
You might just have to resign…
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple