Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If you are reading this then you are reading this
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.