@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

- @Sanbel11

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@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@drinksmcgee

There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

@mo87mo87

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

@SteveSuckington

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

@Sassafrantz

Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@chrisdowning

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom