@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

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@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@TheHatdog

*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*

@mommajessiec

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

@OddMarc

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

@CheeseDaydreams

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe