Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.