Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
You Might Also Like
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.