Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.